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Champs party -- Oliver Frey

I have a secretary that is camper than me --- Or: We live in a world where Damien Hirst paints really shitty parrots

By Mr. E.

Many people who are new to Thailand might be confused by the concept of 'saving face'. Apparently, it's a cultural tradition that is supposed to signify politeness. In my opinion, western people might confuse it with the concept of lying, because it is! In case you hadn't already guessed yet,


Forget all that guidebook horse-shit telling you to, "respect this local tradition." It's basically about deceiving people, and then not feeling bad about it.

There's something morbidly fascinating about it

Don't believe me? Try working here. I have a secretary that is camper than me, and I'm wearing a fedora. Next to him, I'm John Wayne. Don't get me wrong, he's brilliant and lovely, it's just that he's completely useless. In order to stop myself having a meltdown every-time I look at his smiling, lying face; I simply ignore everything he says. We get along much better this way. He spends his time skyping his boyfriend(s) in Germany asking them for money, and I run a department on my own. Trust me, it saves time and energy.

I have a secretary that is camper than me.

A typical conversation with him goes something like this:

"Have you sent those e-mails I asked you to send yesterday?"
"Yes, yes, ChaAaaaaaAaaaAaaaaiiii Kaaap."
"It's very important. Have you sent them?"
"ChhhHhhhai Kaaap, I send them yesterday, don't worry, I send them yesterday. Krap."
"I don't mind if you haven't. Please, just tell me the truth, have you sent them or not? If you haven't I can send them today."
"Yes Yes I tell you. I send them yesterday."

Of course he hasn't sent them!

Of course I can't fire him because he comes with the job!

Of course I'm completely jealous!

If only I could be such a total cunt!


So, when someone calling himself, "Rimtong123," on a terrible gay shag-site, sends me a message saying he can fuck me all night and it will be the best fuck of my life - forgive me for being a little skeptical.

Oh yeah, and he likes art.

His profile stated that he was 29, looking for friends, single, muscular and Asian, not into drugs, strictly top, not into fisting or, "dirty," (whatever that means); oh yeah, and he likes art.


A cultured bummer from Bangkok, who knew! He sounds just like the type of boy you could introduce to your grandmother. I was new to the whole gay web dating thing, so I thought, why not?

Long story short, I end up at his flat in Sathon soi no.1. His real name is Wut, well, that's what he said. Within in a few moments he had contradicted himself three times. I was hoping it was a language barrier thing, but it wasn't - he was full of shit. He showed me his 'art'; well, what can I say? We live in a world where Damien Hirst paints really shitty parrots, so why not call this guy's tissue paper on a canvas art? Who cares about his art? It reeked of crystal meth and a desperate deception. This guy was cheeky as fuck and he had 'amazing shag' written all over him.

Maybe that's what his Buddhist tattoos were all about? Are they some sort of mystical marker for dirty fucks? He told me that his tattoos were,

"for good fortune, good luck, they make rich!"

Apparently, a monk had tattooed him, so he was blessed. Strange; it only seems to be poor meth heads, without any hope of moving up in the Thai world, that appear to be blessed. I'm not one to cast aspersions, but doesn't that suggest that, maybe, just maybe, the tattoos don't work? I mean, you don't see wealthy, Hi-So Thais wandering around covered in tattoos do you?

Anyway, he had a rocky body.

Anyway, he had a rocking body, tight and toned, and a massively cheeky smile that screamed DEVIANT! I hate to be a clich├ęd old queen, but what can I say? The look of naughty boys do it for me. This guy was naughty, but I was careful not give my name, address etc, what could possibly go wrong?

I noticed he kept on his talisman pendants - I love the look of those clumsy, amber and ivory things knocking against his supple, brown skin. He took control by calling me "baby." I'm bigger and older than him, but it was flattering, and it didn't sound quite as ridiculous as it looks when I type it here. Without agreement he had cast our roles for the night, and I was his "baby."

I've never been anyone's, "baby," before.

It's so fifties.

I felt like I should be worrying about getting knocked up by the guy who owns the holiday camp. Whatever it is, for me, he's got it. I just let him do his thing... He... Fucking ...LOVES...IT!

It was blatantly obvious that he had been smoking crystal. He wasn't crazy high, but he was up. Hence the fact that he kept getting confused with his stories.

I don't think we'll be needing the services of Sherlock Holmes, or even Nancy Drew, to figure out the mystery of Rimtong123, but for the sake of a good story, let's look at the evidence.

During our all night session he told me he didn't do drugs. Then he told me he did do drugs, “sometimes”, and that he had smoked a little pipe earlier - but he wasn't high.

He told me he had been single for a long time. Then he told me had just broken up with his partner from Italy. Later, he told me that he was in an open relationship with a man from the Netherlands. Finally, he informed me he was off to visit his boyfriend in Switzerland at the end of the month.

During our session he answered the land line several times, and spoke in English to a few Europeans. I really didn't know who they were, and I don't want to know, but they were clearly unaware of each others existence. He didn't seem to care about the fact that I was English, and could understand every word that he was saying. He told them all he was sick and had decided not to go out with his friends, he was having an early night in on his own.


Brilliant! I know I should be saying something about how bad he was etc, etc, etc, etc, but I can't. As a writer, I have the utmost respect for anyone that can spin a complicated yarn, especially one with as many plot lines as the Rimtong123/ Painting123/ Wut narrative. It's probably the most enduring piece of original artwork that the man will ever accomplish. It beats the shit out of putting tissue paper on a canvas.

I really didn't care what he did. I was just in it for the shag. As for the Europeans he was robbing, do they really need me telling them that he's stringing them along? I had no intention of seeing him again after that night, so he was their problem, not mine.


lie on top of him with your back to him. He is underneath you and slightly to one side. He massages your back and shoulders with his hands and he also uses his feet to massage your legs. This doesn't feel as 'clingy' as it sounds, it's really relaxing and quite liberating. With his feet he spreads your legs. He massages you all over with his whole body, I'm not sure how he does this but it's incredible. He slowly uses the tip of his penis to penetrate you, with shallow short thrusts. It arouses you and relaxes your hole. By the time he penetrates you deep, you are completely ready, and you can take his hard, deep thrusts without any discomfort. You're grinding pelvis bones, it's good. You can flip straight into doggy style and from there, wherever you want. I can strongly recommend hanging onto the windowsill, looking out at the picturesque soi, people-watching while he grinds the base of your spine. I love letting him massage my back and shoulders as he fucks me hard, but what can I say? I've always been a bit of an old romantic.

You're grinding pelvis bones, it's good.

I left as the morning sun lit up the faded yellow of his curtains. For a short while, the madness of Bangkok seemed to make some sense. We arranged to meet later that day, but it was an empty promise. I lied. I knew I would need sleep, and I knew he would be getting high and fucking someone else.

Even though I lied just to get out of his bed. I wasn't messing him about. I told him several times that I wouldn't see him again, not to play hard to get, I meant every word. As is always the way, nothing turns a naughty man on more than being told, "NO." So, from the next day, he started the phone calls, the messages, the texts... "Baby please, I want fuck you again..." It was tragic.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't think about saying yes. Seriously, when you are single and 39 and someone is pestering you everyday for great sex, you can't help but get a semi on. I haven't said yes. Maybe we all play out our little deceptions. Perhaps that's what turned me on to him so much, his blatant honesty about lying. Whatever he's doing, it's clearly working out for him. He may have been a complete fantasist, but he told truth about one thing, he did fuck me all night, and it was pretty much one of the best fucks I've ever had.


Funnily enough, Wut has turned out to be a really nasty piece of work who stalked me, hospitalized me and stole my money. I reported him and his friends to the police, but because Wut is Thai and I am 'farang' they never even questioned him, despite the fact I had loads of messages and texts from him threatening me etc etc.

The Thai policeman laughed at me.

The Thai policeman did laugh at me and try to extort money, which is not really surprising. I have since been contacted by several other guys who inform me that this is something Wut and his friends do regularly to single European men. So, I have decided to post his real names and aliases, just in case anyone else comes into contact with him. AVOID 'Planet Romeo' gay dating site when you are in Bangkok. They are regulars at DJ Station and are well known on the Silom gay scene, so be cautious when visiting there alone. Have fun, but take care.

Mr. E. leads a mysterious existence, to put it mildly. He's a regular contributor to LustSpiel.This piece appeared first on his site MagicalMr.E.Tour