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Prose by chance --- or: "Do you think I should worry whether I was raped?"

By Redthrowaway96

I went to a party this weekend with two friends that turned out to be pretty gay (the party, not the friends – my female friends left early).

There was a mixed crowd including some hot straight girls, but as the night wore on, it became clear it was mostly gay men staying on.

I took some E with my friend earlier in the night, but it didn’t really seem to kick in.

My friend introduced me to the host and I made arrangements to crash in his roommate’s loft so I could drink a bit more. I’m pretty open-minded, so being around the gay guys didn’t bother me. The host and his friends were really nice and seemed like they knew how to party. I was actually having a great time and getting really hammered.

I remember several guys bringing me drinks and smoking some pot while naked in the hot tub. Everything after the hot tub is a blur. I don’t generally black-out drink (I always remember when drunk), so I am thinking maybe someone spiked my drink with something or I just had too many different things in my system.

Anyway, I remember some guy saying that after that night I wouldn’t be able to call myself straight anymore. I was kind of pissed off at him for saying that and confronted him. He mentioned that he saw me giving someone a BJ in the bathroom and to chill the fuck out.

I kind of panicked at hearing that and went back to the bedroom I would be staying in to lay down. I remember coming to with several guys in bed with me and naked. As far as I can tell, they were all just talking with each other or about me.

I have another memory of two guys fighting (I think one actually threw a punch).

I seem to remember one guy was telling the other that he should leave me alone and that I was too wasted to fuck.

The guy standing up for me (?) wasn’t around when I came to later that night, but I distinctly remember the other guy doing something to my ass. I’m honestly not sure if he fucked me, but something definitely happened. I recall liking how it felt, but that might have been the E talking.

I woke up the next day nude with the mother of all headaches.

My female friends came back to pick my sorry ass up and I told them about what happened.

They completely lost their shit and are saying I was raped.

They are really on me to go to the cops or therapy or some shit. I feel like saying I was raped is taking it a bit too far. From what I (barely) remember, at least some of the activities were enjoyable.

I honestly do not remember if I gave consent or not.

It’s tripping me out that I would have given a guy a BJ without remembering, but when I think about it I’m not as mad as I feel like I should be.

The girls were majorly tripping over me mentioning something with my ass and want me to get a rape kit. 1) I’ve already showered 2) I have at least a brief memory of liking what happened 3) I very well may have said yes to that guy 4) there was a big fucking bowl of condoms at that party and the guys were pretty upfront about grabbing handfuls of the fuckers.

I don’t feel like they would have done something to me without protection (I hope?).

Anyway- questions. Do you think (based on my shitty memory) that I should worry about whether I was raped? I don’t feel violated at all. I’m really freaking out more about the fact that I had at least some gay sex and liked it. Do you think I should try to get a hold of anyone from the party to ask them what happened? I’m not even sure I would trust their memories since everyone was pretty wasted. Do you think I should try to find that one guy and confront him about what happened?